


a rare condition

by oh_la_fraise



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Losers (2010)
Genre: Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-10 22:44:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17434886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_la_fraise/pseuds/oh_la_fraise
Summary: “Does he do anything mind-bogglingly stupid in the field?” Sam asked.“No!” Jensen protested, right over Pooch saying “two missions ago, he flashed a guerrilla with a gun to his head.”Sam ran a hand over his face.  “Yeah, that’s Steve’s blood, all right.”“In 1999, Steve Rogers was declared the most handsome man of the century,” Jensen felt the need to share.





	a rare condition

**Author's Note:**

> okay so [here's](http://ohlafraise.tumblr.com/post/181986029650/watsonshoneybee-fic-writers-raise-your-hands-if) the backstory on this ridiculousness but long story short i have some time on my hands the last few days in which ive been trying to get back in the swing of things and the Losers has been on tv. being the face-blind blindy that i am, my mind cannot reconcile that steve rogers and jake jensen are played by the same person.
> 
> also i really love aisha but also need the losers to still be in the military for plot purposes so just pretend this is a slight au where the max/blacklist thing (imo Pierce took one look at him and was like “lol” and ate him for lunch) never happened and aisha has always just Been There as the team’s reconnaissance officer. Given that this fic features a long lost relative who looks identical to his post-roids great great uncle stopping a terrorist through the power of friendship, I feel like this is one of the less arduous stretches of imagination this fic requires. Also, having Aisha involved means we all get to think about her and Natasha having very dangerous, athletic sex.
> 
> title is from the family matters theme because i’m cool like that.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when Jensen slid into their table at the mess hall, but then Pooches’ _“buddy from the old days who works nearby”_ blinked. 

“Huh.”Sam stared at Jensen, frozen in place. Jensen winked back, completely unsubtle.Pooch’s friend was cute, and he clearly had good taste in facial hair. 

(Jensen was lucky he’d ended up with the Losers and their give-a-fuck attitude rather than getting a dishonorable discharge, because several of Jensen’s previous charges of insubordination had been for all but running around with a pride flag. Well, and his mouthiness.And that he’d once hacked the Pentagon.But also the queer thing.)

Sam shook his head, clearly realizing he’d been staring a little too long.“Sorry, I just—Fuck, you look just _like_ a friend of mine.”

“A sexy friend I bet.” Jensen waggled his eyebrows, pretending like he believed Sam’s excuse.

Sam held his hands up, thumbs squaring into a picture frame around Jensen’s face.“Huh,” he repeated.

~

Jensen didn’t think much about it after that beyond the disappointing fact that he hadn’t gotten laid.Things went on as normal.They pulled a job in Austria; Jensen wrote a sonnet about Cougar’s ass in his head; Pooch shot a machine gun while flooring an eighteen wheeler and declared himself Rambo for the day.

~

Two months later, back stateside, there was a scary looking man waiting in their cabin on the base they got back from a drill.He had a trench coat and a scar _and_ an eyepatch; Jensen could see Roque staring, clearly wondering if it would be worth losing his left eye to once again be the most badass-looking person in the room.Then Jensen thought, _shit, where is my gun,_ but Clay stepped forward, stiff but not launching into shooting mode, and nodded.“Colonel Fury.”

“Colonel,” he responded, tipping his head.Jensen could see Roque’s hand twitch for his knife; he assumed it was to commence with the de-eyeballing.

“To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“I’ve got a mission for you, Colonel.”

Clay nodded, then swung his arm at them.They automatically began to retreat, and Jensen began considering the risks of breaking into someone else’s cabin and streaking the rest of the day so he wouldn’t be stuck in his sweaty gear.“Guys, take a walk—“

Fury shook his head.“No, Corporal Jensen.You stay.”

Jensen swallowed as the Colonel’s unnerving gaze swiveled to him.He’d spent enough time with Roque that he knew he couldn’t be killed by a glare alone, but suddenly he wasn’t too sure.Cougar briefly clasped him on the shoulder as the rest of the team filed out, and Jensen clung to that bit of warmth as a small comfort if he died.

Clay took a seat across the table, looking at Jensen as he slid into the adjacent seat; Clay seemed as lost as to why Jensen had been held back as Jensen himself was.Maybe there was a technical component to whatever Fury wanted them to do? 

“So, Captain America,” Fury said casually.

“Like, the Avenger?” Jensen responded.He was surprised Clay didn’t reach out slap him upside the head like his mother used to do.

Fury just nodded.“There is a . . .somewhat dangerous party that’s managed to create a weapon out of the same super serum that was used to create Captain America.We’ve figured out a way to stop it, but it requires application of a solution combined with the serum itself.And right now, the only known source of the serum is in Captain America’s blood.”

“Like Pirates of the Caribbean,” Jensen breathed.This time, Clay stepped on his foot, out of sight of the Colonel.

“So you you want us to take a bottle of Windex and Captain America’s blood to this thing and stop it?” Clay asked.

Fury shook his head.“Unfortunately, the compound the serum is composed of disintegrates shortly after it’s exposed to air.It’s going to require Captain America to be directly atop the machine.”He paused.“The Pirates of the Caribbean metaphor is not unapt.”

Clay didn’t try to hide his sigh as Jensen fist pumped.“So if the Captain has to be there, what do you need us for?No offense Colonel, but we’re not usually used for the sort of pageantry an Avengers mission requires.”

“Actually, I don’t need your team.Just the Corporal here.We need someone to pose as Captain America while the real Captain takes out the machine.”

“What about Hawkguy?” Clay asked.Jensen, bemused, didn’t bother to correct him.

“Hawkeye is currently assigned elsewhere.This will be a small mission, but our target is on the lookout for Captain America.Hence the need for a distraction.”

“And you have _no one_ who looks enough like Steve Rogers that you’re having to poach one of my guys?” 

The Colonel’s eye twitched.“The target has. . .an alternate way of identifying Captain Rogers.”

Jensen shook himself out of his stupor.“If this is some scorned ex-lover who knows about the weird mole on Captain America’s dick—well, there’s a lot I’ll do for my country, but that’s advancing into the hell no territory.”

“No, although the American military surely appreciates your willingness to serve.He has a radar gun—harmless, but it can immediately identify anyone with Captain America’s DNA.Or lack of.”Fury produced a folder and slid it over for Jensen and Clay to inspect.

Jensen, for once, had nothing to say.

Clay spoke up after a minute.“If Jensen does this—my team’s going in as back up. Non-negotiable.”

“He will be surrounded by the _literal_ Avengers.”

“Non. Negotiable.”

Colonel Fury, if he were a lesser man, looked like he would be rolling his eyes.Well.Eye. “Jesus Fuck, Clay, I forgot how obnoxious you are.”

~

An hour later, the rest of the team stared in silence at Clay’s debriefing.“Captain America is Truth, Justice, and the American Way,” Pooch finally said, breaking the silence.“Jensen’s American Way is more of the processed meat, masturbation type.”

“No, I can kind of see it,” Aisha said, flipping around Jensen’s laptop to everyone.Jensen had handed it to her when she’d asked for it—a sign that everyone knew meant he was off his game.He supposed Aisha had a point, though.Captain America was a little taller and a lot more blond, and had a few less freckles.And, Jensen thought for the first time in his life, Jensen was more tan than someone.But yeah, he could see the resemblance.

“Hah, I look like a superhero,” Jensen said, although his heart wasn’t totally in it.

“You look like your. . .what, great uncle?”Roque asked.

“Second cousin twice removed, I think.”The math hurt Jensen’s head; it really was a sign of the end times.

“I’m calling Sam,” Pooch said.“He’ll have an idea of what the fuck is going on.”

~

“Sorry, man.I just mentioned the resemblance off-hand to Natasha.” Sam shrugged.“I didn’t think they were actually related; just a weird coincidence.”

“How were you friends with the Falcon all this time and didn’t realize it?” Jensen asked Pooch, tipping back in his chair.This was the real question at hand.

Pooch stared.“Jensen, of course I knew.Who do you think taught this idiot kid how to fly?”

Jensen crashed his chair down.“You were a _Falcon?_ Mr. ‘Will Smith is the best singer; clips his phone on his belt’ born at sixty was a _Falcon?”_

Pooch shrugged modestly, but Jensen could see a little grin.“Well, they only wanted the best of the best.”

Sam rolled his eyes.“First, I’m older than you, and we started the program at the same time.”He looked at the rest of the team.“I know the DNA results came back positive—but, well.”He glanced at Jensen.“I always thought the heroic patriotism was hard coded into the Rogers DNA.” 

“I am a member of the US army,” he reminded everyone, offended.

“Steve has a great mind for strategy.”

“So do I!”

“If it’s attached to a computer,” Aisha said.“You put tin foil in the microwave last week.”

“Does he do anything mind-bogglingly stupid in the field?” Sam asked.

“No!” Jensen protested, right over Pooch saying “two missions ago, he flashed a guerrilla with a gun to his head.”

Sam ran a hand over his face.“Yeah, that’s Steve’s blood, all right.”

“In 1999, Steve Rogers was declared the most handsome man of the century,” Jensen felt the need to share.

~

After that, it was the same as it always was: hurry up and wait.Sam stayed with them—they were going to deployed any minute once the counteractive agent was finalized, so it was easier for him to stay put than head back to New York. 

“This guy’s like—legit Nazi shit,” Sam said as he dealt out a hand of cards.“We still don’t know how he got the formula for the serum—as far as we know, the only person who knew the secret sauce was the guy who used it on Steve, and he supposedly took it to the grave.But that’s step two—the first is to get this guy and his crazy death ray out of commission.”

“Is Thor as gorgeous in real life?” Jensen asked.Critical background for this life or death mission, whatever—he needed the real important information.

“Thor’s in Valhalla or wherever, so he’s not in on this one,” Sam replied.“But yeah.His biceps are the size of my head.And the Falcon is not a small man.”

Apparently, talking about yourself in the third person was something they taught at flight school.“Oh—wait.Do I get to carry the shield?”

“Nah, Steve’ll still have the shield.But I think they’re making a mock up.And you’ll get to wear the costume.”

His ass was going to look _amazing._

~

Eventually, they got shuffled into some fancy jet that was apparently for Avengers only.Pooch looked like he was about to spontaneously orgasm, but Jensen was just annoyed; it would have been nice to have something like this when a mission had gone tits up and all they had was a shot up helicopter older than Clay.

When they disembarked, there were a few people waiting for them.A red haired woman—the Black Widow.Jensen wondered if he could get away with asking for an autograph.Sam nodded at her and then—holy shit, it was the Fucking Winter Soldier.

_The Fucking Winter Soldier_ and Cougar stared at each other.Jensen was either turned on or terrified—he wasn’t entirely sure which.Then Cougar _smiled,_ and Jensen knew he was terrified.

Sam looked between them.“I guess the scary sniper kink is also a genetic Rogers thing?”

Jensen didn’t have a chance to respond, because then another figure stepped forward and—

“Fuck,” he breathed.“It’s like a mirror.”

“You wish,” Aisha snorted.“More like a handsome Instagram filter.”

Captain America was even taller in real life—Jensen, for the first time since he’d hit puberty, felt short.The uniform was bright and gleaming and made Jensen want to stand a little straighter, and on his arm—on his arm was the shield, in all of its patriotic red, white, and blue glory.

Captain America was staring a little bit too, and that gave Jensen a weird sense of vindication.He nodded at Jensen.“Corporal Jensen.”

“Captain America. Sir.”

The Captain’s face twitched, just a little—and then Jensen remembered that as much as this guy was a National Icon (and a _beautiful_ national icon who Jensen looked just like, fuck you Aisha), he was also Jensen’s something-something cousin.He was a Jensen, or maybe Jake was a Rogers, but whatever, blood.Jensen knew that family didn’t always mean anything, but he thought about Jane and Beth and how, strangers or not, Jensen was probably the closest thing Captain America had to that.

“A tip sir—the Jensen family reunion is in a month; you should come, but do not on any account eat Aunt Linda’s potato salad.It’s bland and gave me food poisoning one year and if Captain America eats it we will never hear the fucking end of it.”

Captain America smiled, just a little.“Call me Steve.”

~

The plan was pretty simple.Jensen, with the Avengers and his team, would charge Dr. Baddie. Cougar and _The Fucking Winter Soldier_ would be above, ready to shoot down any evil henchmen that got too close to them.Dr. Baddie would be so fooled by Jensen being the flawless Captain America lookalike that he was that he would fail to notice the real Captain America pulling a reverse-Red Cross on his super secret weapon.Boom, the Losers had saved the world.

So far, it was all going to plan.Jensen’s ass _did_ look fantastic in Steve’s spare suit, even if it was a little baggy in the knees, and he hadn’t been killed, even though all he had to defend himself was the light steel shield.Captain America was apparently too good to carry a gun, and the decoy shield Jensen had been given would probably crumple the first time he leaned it against the wall.Aisha and the Black Widow were in competition trying to kill the weird crab henchmen in increasingly creative ways; Roque was coordinating them from above, his voice a soothing background noise in their comms; Cougar and Sam and _The Fucking Winter Soldier_ were picking off the stragglers that were getting through.Jensen and Clay and Pooch were on the ground, but so far they’d just been shooting the henchmen.Dr. Baddie was cackling about his device was going to destroy the planet—Jensen wanted to argue that then Dr. Baddie wouldn’t have anywhere to live, but he was supposed to be stoic like Captain America, so he bit his tongue.

He could see Steve sneaking around the machine, creeping up on it slowly.It distracted Jensen long enough that he didn’t see one of the weird crab creatures had broken through until it was nearly on top of him.He ducked as its claw swiped out and shoved his knee into its belly.It stumbled back, and there was a satisfying bang as one of the snipers shot it.It crumpled, but not before it managed to knock Jensen’s Captain America helmet loose.

“Oh, fuck me,” Jensen swore.

“That’s. . .that’s not Captain America,” Dr. Baddie said, staring at Jensen’s goatee and frosted tips.He banged his DNA gun on his hand a few times and then aimed it at Jensen.“Why does it say you’re Captain America?” he asked.

“Uh. . . No man, I’m totally Captain America?” he tried.

He frowned and waved his fingers.“Stop trying to take him alive, boys.” 

Which, okay, fun.Apparently the creatures had been going _easy_ on him.There were suddenly twice as many surging at them.He could hear Cougar throwing off shots from his tower, and Clay and Pooch and Aisha closer to him, but there were so many, and Jensen was armed with a fucking painted trash can lid.Clay couldn’t even blame this on him—he’d been disallowed from carrying his gun for _authenticity’s sake._ He was never going to cosplay after this again.

A few things happened at once. Captain America made it to the top of Dr. Baddie’s machine; there was a drop of blood and a splash of what had ended up looking like Windex after all, and the machine fizzled.Dr. Baddie turned around, to be met with a face full of the _real_ shield. Aisha strangled a claw creature with her thighs in a move she’d clearly learned from watching the Black Widow.And one of the claw creature’s claws went right through Jensen’s knock off shield and into his sternum. 

“I do _not_ get paid enough for this shit,” Jensen said, right before the force of the impact and the blood loss forced him unconscious to the pavement.

~

When he woke up, everything was cottony and white and metallic smelling.Hospital, but at least the fuzzy feeling in his head meant they had him on the good drugs.

“Hell yeah,” he said, or at least he tried too.His throat was a little sticky.Cougar’s face, shadowed by his hat, appeared in Jensen’s line of vision.He fed Jensen a few ice chips; Jensen moaned a little too loudly.Fucking morphine.

Cougar stared at him for a minute.“You okay?” Jensen asked.Given that he was the one in the hospital bed, he wasn’t too concerned, but—

Cougar blinked and his face hardened.Jensen knew the _man up solider_ face when he saw it.Cougar leaned in, and for a second, Jensen thought Cougar was about to head butt him.

Instead, Cougar leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Jensen’s.

“What—“ Jensen said, flailing, as Cougar quickly pulled away.“What?”

“Is that okay?”

“I mean yeah—well, I wish my breath tasted less like shit, but—why now?”

Cougar rolled his eyes.“Your near death has caused me to have a gay epiphany.”

“Really?”

“Yes.Captain America caught me weeping at your bedside and told me that true love knows no gender.”

“. . .You’re fucking with me.”

“A little.”

“Asshole.”He squinted.“How fast do you think you can get my heart rate up so the nurses come running?”

Cougar licked his lips.

~

Later, Steve came to visit. “Sorry about, uh, almost getting you killed.” Bedside manner was clearly not his strong suit. 

Jensen shook his head.“My sister has a kid.You’re like her great uncle.You’re showing up at her next birthday in full costume.”

“Uh.”

“You’re bringing the Black Widow too.Young girls need positive female role models.”

~

“Jensen, do your laundry. You smell like something died,” Roque said a few months later, throwing Jensen’s pack hurtling at his face.

“I’m related to Captain America,” Jensen replied.

“You know when you think Cougar is whispering sweet nothings in Spanish in your ear,” Aisha said, “he’s really going over his grocery list.”

“CAPTAIN AMERICA,” Jensen shouted, this time at Cougar. 

~

Steve ate Aunt Linda’s potato salad.Jensen declared him banished from the family.

**Author's Note:**

> im ohlafraise on tumblr.


End file.
